Psalm 112:4
by loobster
Summary: Mid "Always". Kates POV. Light dawns for Kate. Chapters may not be in chronological order. I will try and post a chapter a day but apologies if I don't. This is my first ever attempt at writing so...please be gentle. Constructive criticism welcomed. Rated M as you never know what will happen later ;-)
1. Prologue

And there it was. In that moment, she knew. It was so obvious, it almost screamed at her. Why had she never seen...never realised?

Kate shook her head slowly. Everything was spinning out of control - in a moment, one moment of realisation, everything had changed. Wait! Was it a only a moment? Or the inevitable conclusion of 4 years of (almost constant) denial?

She sat on the swing, not even noticing the storm as it raged around her, and replayed some of the moments from the last 4 years of her life A.C...After Castle..


	2. The Undercover Kiss

"I'm open to dumb ideas here"

"Good, cos I got one..."

They staggered, playacting but the guard approached

"He's not buying it Castle"

The guards hand reached inside his jacket and her hand moved down for her gun only to find HIS hand on her wrist preventing her drawing her weapon. She looked at him startled when his hands framed her face and tangled in her hair. His eyes were so intense, so blue, then, suddenly before she could think, his lips were on hers, so soft, so tender, so...inviting. WHAT THE HELL WAS HAPPENING? She pulled back but was unable to form any words so just gaped at him. His eyes were pleading with her, begging for understanding...for what? Then she remembered...the guard. She dove back in eagerly...too eager? No, it was part of the act, just a distraction...that's all. THAT'S ALL! But his hands were tangled in her hair and his lips...oh his lips were so soft, so eager, drawing her further into the ruse. She heard a moan and knew it had been drawn from her, she was lost...Castle was kissing her and it was...perfect, so amazing...she ran her fingers through the hair that she had ached to touch and pressed herself impossibly closer to him, opening her lips in a silent invitation...willing him to deepen the kiss...

A rueful chuckle broke the silence of the moment and, OH MY GOD, the guard! She had completely lost herself, had forgotten...

As he turned, she wrenched herself from around Castle (she had been wrapped around CASTLE!), drew her glock, spun and knocked him out from behind. She stood, stunned, unable to process what had just happened...

"That was amazing"

Oh God, not now, she couldn't do this now! Slowly she turned and looked at him, completely incredulous...sure that her lips were pink and her face flushed

Castle panicked, she could see it race across his face..."The way you knocked him out, I mean"

She had to find her voice..."We should go...yeah"...turned and moved towards the warehouse willing her breathing to return and the butterflies to stop.


	3. The Undercover Kiss (Aftermath)

It was a kiss Kate...JUST a kiss for Gods sake! Oh, but it was a kiss that haunted her waking hours and invaded her dreams making her restless. She had changed, the kiss had changed her, she couldn't deny it any more...the attraction that curled low in her stomach and clenched when he smiled at her or stared just a second too long. Josh had noticed, she was distant (more so than usual)...nothing was the same. Everything was brighter, more intense...when HE was there. It was just attraction, just chemistry. She heard her derisive laugh in her head...GOD! She couldn't even convince herself. What was she going to do? Ignore it, forget it, box it away with all the other things she needed to keep hidden...she just couldn't deal with this.

That's the plan Kate, well done, thats what i'll do. She gave herself silent congratulations...interrupted by the voice in her head which told her she knew she would think about it, fantasise about his lips on hers, his hands in her hair,moaning for him...OH GOD! This wasn't going away was it?


	4. Los Angeles

God she wanted him. In that moment, she had never wanted anything or anyone more...it was almost a physical ache. His eyes were locked on hers and she suddenly found it impossible to break the connection. Her breath hitched and her gaze switched to his lips. She could feel herself leaning slowly forward...WHAT ARE YOU DOING KATE? He's your partner, your friend, what about Josh?

"it's late, I should go...goodnight Castle"

"Kate"

She froze, her back to him...so tempted...and almost faltered. But then...

"Goodnight Castle"

The door clicked and Kate rested heavily against it trying to calm her breathing and the ache that had gathered low in her stomach. She ran a hand nervously through her hair. She could hardly believe she had just...wait! Why didn't she? Why did she run? Her hand reached slowly for the door handle. STOP! She hesitated and her hand withdrew. THINK KATE! What will this mean? Her mind raced with possibilities. She wasn't ready, she was ready, it was CASTLE! Suddenly her mind cleared, she wanted him, had maybe always wanted him. His eyes, the way he looked at her, the way he KNEW her...no-one knew her like Castle, no-one cared for her like Castle - not since...don't go there Kate! Her hand reached out again for the door handle, she took a deep breath and opened the door...

...He was gone. She heard a faint click and looked up in time to see his bedroom door close softly.

Slowly she retreated into her room, closed the door, leaned heavily against it and breathed deeply

She wasn't ready...but the ache was still there.


	5. The Bank Robbery

"BOOM"

Kate's heart stopped. Her heart literally stopped. She gazed ahead, not seeing...and she knew. In that one moment, she knew she had lost everything.

"Tell me you need me"

God how she had wanted to tell him. Wanted to share that she no longer ached for him, she needed him...it was a physical need that clawed at her insides day after day, desperate to escape, for release. But she locked it down...and waited.

Why had she waited? Resisted? WHY? She had to find him.

The smoke from the explosion hadn't cleared before Kate was in a vest, gun drawn and running through the doors of the bank.

"CASTLE"

"CASTLE"

"CASTLE"

She had to find him, had to see him, had to see for herself...

"BECKETT"

His voice, his wonderful, deep, rich voice saying her name...

"They're here"

And then she was opening the vault cage door and kneeling in front of him...and he was alive, he was alive...

She felt the smile, felt it light her up from the inside as she reached out to touch him, to make sure he was real. His eyes were so blue, so intense. Eyes you could lose yourself in. Suddenly they were the only two people there, she couldn't stop smiling. He was mesmorising her with the intensity of his gaze, she stroked the lapel on his jacket whispering words of assurance...

A faint chuckle and "He's not the only one here you know" broke the spell.

Kate blushed and stammered..."I'm...I'm so sorry Martha"


	6. The Best Friend

She had to talk about this...it had been inside too long It was eating her up...consuming her. She couldn't think straight, couldn't rationalise. What the hell was wrong with her? Burke knew, she could see it in his eyes every time she spoke HIS name. She had become less guarded lately, she knew she had, felt herself beginning to open up...the therapy helping her to understand and start to...like herself again, to believe that she could be better, could deserve better than her current non-life. But now HE was being so...so...infuriating! He was distant, guarded...more like...well, like her! Not him.

She didn't know what had happened but she wanted him back, the sparkle was gone, the childish delight he found in her gone and she wanted...no, she NEEDED it back. Hadn't realised that it had become a part of her, of him...of THEM. She was almost there, almost ready to admit to him what she had only recently had the courage to admit to herself...what the hell was wrong with him? Why couldn't he see?

A knock at the door startled her. LANIE! She could talk to Lanie!

"He's probably tired of waiting"

"Waiting for what?"...oh oh, as soon as the words left her lips, Kate knew she had made a mistake. There was NO WAY Lanie wouldn't take this 'in'!...and she was right!

She felt rather than heard Lanie's accusation..."and despite your little act, you're crazy about him"

She couldn't quite pull off her usual look of derision and Lanie was in for the kill..."oh what? Was that supposed to be some big secret?"

"YES!" "No!"...oh oh, she would never let his drop now, so she might as well...

"Do you think he knows?"

And there it was, with those 5 words, she had let someone other than her therapist into her secret, her desires, her insecurities...her dreams?


End file.
